Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Slogging Along

Still no new job.  I have an interview in the morning, and it's the first one I've had.  I've been unemployed for three months and while I knew the job market would be tough, I really thought I'd do better than this.  I got the interview tomorrow because a lady at church also works there and she passed my resume along.  I'm not putting too much stock in it because I haven't actually seen a job description and I have no idea what it pays.  But we'll see.  Maybe it'll be great.

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Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Life Changes Again

Well, I wasn't wrong about my job being up in the air.  A week ago, I was let go as part of another round of lay offs.  I knew people were going to be laid off and I was hoping to survive it, but knew that I might not.  So while it wasn't a complete shock, it was and is a big disappointment.  I really liked my job.

I actually feel bad for my boss.  The decision to let me go didn't come from him, it came from someone higher up the food chain.  He was really upset about it.  He apologized to me more than once, and I've  had a couple other people tell me how upset he was about it.  As he said to me that day, "You're my one support person and then they take you away?!"  Upper management already drove Andrew away and I have a feeling that they're on the verge of doing it again.  The problem this time is that there's no one left to take over.

So, I'm back on the job hunt.  For the most part, I'm not panic or worried, but every time I really stop and think about how I have nothing coming in... ugh.  Mom and Brother have both offered help if I need it, and I know that they're sincere.  I might need help just to keep insurance, but I think I'll be able to manage otherwise.  Of course, I don't actually know how much I'll get from unemployment yet, so we'll see.

Please send good job vibes my way!

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Saturday, July 02, 2016

I'm not dead

Despite the fact that I haven't posted in over four months, I am still around.

I've been debating whether or not to keep this blog going.  I originally started it as a way to vent, share, etc. about my relationship with XM.  Our relationship was common knowledge, but the true D/s nature of it was not.  I couldn't talk to anyone about that side of things, so I blogged about it instead.  But that relationship is long over, so that need is no longer there.

I used this blog to share about my secret relationship with Tim.  I haven't spoken to him in nearly a year, and even though I probably will again at some point, it's clear that - even as friends - things have cooled between us.

Eventually, I could blog about my secret affair with my co-worker, Lover.  It took a while to untangle from that affair, but it's over.  So there's no need to blog about that either.

Of course, I have blogged about more than just secret things and I could continue to do so.  Sometimes I feel like no one really takes much interest in my life; sometimes I even understand why, because it's not always all that interesting.  I'd like to think I would blog about those things here instead of talking about them, but I usually end up knitting instead.

So, I'm not sure if this blog will continue and this is just a quiet period for me, or if I'll sign off completely soon.

In the meantime, things with my job are still up in the air.  I am casually looking for a new one.  I hate to do that, but upper management is still crap and making horrible decisions.  They're still acting like they want to move our office somewhere else, out of state.  I'm not willing to move for a job that I'm not even sure will last.  So, I'm on the hunt.  But it's hard to look for a new job when there are still so many things I like about my current one.

My love life is non-existent.  But what else is new.

Pepper is good.  Knitting is good.  My friends are fun and I love them.

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Tuesday, February 16, 2016

The Waiting Game

In my last post, oh so long ago, I mentioned that there were some changes at work, but didn't feel like blogging about it at that point.  So now I will.

Andrew, my friend and the one who asked me to come work for him, left the company in October.  I hate that he left, but I understand why he did and if I were in his shoes, I probably would've done the same.  The company that we originally worked for was bought out about a year ago.  Upper management in this new company doesn't seem to know what they're doing half the time.  Andrew basically just got fed up with it and, since he had other options, he took one.  Our senior project manager left the company a month before Andrew did and was starting up a division doing the same thing we do with another company in the industry.  So Andrew is now working with him.  It means he had to take a pay cut and is almost kind of starting over, but it's a lot less stress for him and he can build the division the way he wants.

The possibility is there that I could eventually work for him again, but I think it's kind of unlikely and it certainly wouldn't be any time soon.  They have to get things built up enough to where they need an admin person, to where they can afford an admin person, and - more specifically - to where they can afford me.  Unlike Andrew, I can't take a pay cut.

So, my new boss is JD.  He was already part of the division, so he already knew everyone.  I think he's okay as a boss.  There are a couple things I worry about with him, but nothing major at this point, so I won't go into it.  The main thing is that he seems to be straight with me and I think I can trust him, which is a good thing.  I'm still a tiny bit wary, but it's mainly because I - of course - don't know him anywhere close to how well I know Andrew.

My biggest concern right now is what upper management is going to decide to do about our office.  This was a new office location when I started with the company and the main reason they opened an office here is because this is where Andrew lived and he didn't want to move.  Well, he's no longer with the company, so that's no longer a sticking point.  We lease the building we're in now and our current lease is up in the fall.  We've outgrown the building, so we need to move.  But apparently they're trying to decide whether or not to move locally or move us out of state.

They were here at the beginning of the year for our regular divisional meeting.  I sat down with JD's boss as well as his boss (one of the senior VP's) and let them know where I stood on moving.  I said if they moved within a few hours of here, I would at least consider moving.  I said that if they moved to Lexington, KY or that area, I would be totally on board with that since that's where I wanted to go originally anyway.  I said if it was more than I few hours, I wasn't moving.  And all of that being said, I don't really want to move at all.  I'm here and I'm settled now, so I'd really prefer to stay.

They, of course, didn't really have much to say, which I knew they wouldn't.  It's not like I expected to make a decision on the spot based purely on what I had to say.  They plan on having a decision by the end of March.  So I'll know at that point if we're just going to move to a larger building nearby, if I'm moving somewhere else, or if they're moving farther away and I'll need to find a new job.  Until then, there's not much to do but wait.

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Sunday, November 01, 2015

Big News

There's some stuff going on at work that changes the situation... but I don't really feel like talking about it.  So I'm going to share some other big news...

I adopted a cat a couple weeks ago!

Her name is Pepper and she's about 7 months old.  So she's still considered a kitten, but she's about as grown as she's going to be.  She's sweet, she likes people, and she loves attention and affection.  She's been pretty mellow so far - although she does play - but she's also had a cat virus.  She's now on antibiotics and showing improvement.  So we'll see how low-key she is once she's healthy.

We're still trying to get in a good sleep pattern at night, something that has been hindered somewhat by her illness.  So I've spent a lot of days being tired.  I'm hopeful that we'll be able to get in a good routine soon.

Here's my girl.  :-)


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Saturday, September 12, 2015

Maybe, Finally Over

I realized the other day that it's been almost a year since Lover and I started fooling around.  A whole year.

Granted, it's been nearly three months since we've actually had sex, what with his family living here now.  We've still been making out at work from time to time, but I think that's finally come to an end.  We'd been trying to stop, trying to untangle ourselves from this... whatever it is.  Neither of us would stick to it.  I don't even know how many times I said to him (and myself), "This is it.  We're done.  We're just co-workers from now on."  It would last for a few days, but we'd always cave.  I'd say Lover and I definitely are drawn to each other and have chemistry.  But we all know that it takes more than that.  And he's not even available.

But I've reached the point where it hurts more than it's enjoyable.  I just can't keep going in the situation as it is.  It should've never lasted this long anyway.

So, that's the latest.  Now I just need to stick to it.

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Saturday, July 11, 2015

My life is strange

This past week was strange, crazy, exhausting, and I don't even know what else.

Initially, when Lover left to go home and move his family up here, I was having a really hard time with it.  I cried a lot.  It doesn't help that I was on my period, so my hormones were all over the place.  I really didn't know how I was going to handle this when he got back and I had to see him at work.  Then, a few days before he was due back, Tim called.  I hadn't talked to him for a week or so, which is actually longer than usual for us these days.  He'd just been busy and had a lot going on, so he hadn't had the chance.  And depending on where he is for work, he's either one or two hours behind me.

Anyway, Tim was waiting on someone else to show up and had a few minutes, so he figured he'd call me.  We only talked for ten or fifteen minutes.  But something clicked in me.  That's what I want.  I want a man who will call to chat when he has a moment because he's thinking of me.  Lover doesn't do that.  I suspect he does think of me, but he can't contact me because, well, he has a wife.  Even on the occasions that he has called, he doesn't usually have much to say.  And while I like to talk, I don't want to always have to carry the conversation.

After that conversation with Tim, I felt a lot better.  I didn't cry any more.  I was looking at it more like I didn't really want Lover anyway.  Not long term.  There are a lot of good things about him, but there are a few things that I really want in a man that he's definitely missing.  A big one?  He is afraid to take charge of anything.  Ever.  There have been occasions where he'll take charge, sexually, but I think he only does it because he knows I like it, not because he actually wants to.  And I want someone who can and will take charge outside of the bedroom, even if it's not a specific D/s relationship.

So when Lover was back in the office on Monday, I was feeling okay about it.  And things started out well enough.  It was a little awkward, to me at least.  I felt like I should just leave him alone unless I had sometime work-related to say to him.  But I think I relaxed a bit and we were able to chat about whatever.  There was still this draw to him, but I behaved.

We have a divisional meeting twice a year where all the guys travel to the office and we meet for a couple days.  So everyone was in the office Tuesday and Wednesday.  That includes Mason, whom I haven't seen in a year, because he couldn't be here for the meeting in January.  I basically hadn't seen him since our one time together and we hadn't really even stayed in touch outside of work.  I gave up on being his friend.  I think he needs friends, but I don't think I need to be one of them.

At one point, I saw Mason and Lover standing next to each other while they were working on something in the shop.  I had to stop and watching, just thinking about how bizarre my life is.  Feel free to pause and do the same.

Because of everyone being here, it was busy and chaotic for a few days, which it always is during the divisional meetings.  Doug and I had some interactions, a little flirting this time, but still behaved.  I had intended to keep my distance more than I was at that point, but I still hadn't crossed any major lines.

All the guys had left by late afternoon on Thursday, so things were calm again.  Thankfully.

Friday was harder.  We still didn't cross any big lines, but we've hugged a few times.  I told Lover that I missed him and he said he missed me too.  Bad.

I think I've noticed a pattern - finally.  I let my guard down, I make myself open and vulnerable to him, and then he backs off.  So I feel rejected and hurt and I put my guard  up again.  Then Lover acts more like he wants me... and so on.

It happened again on Friday.  I cried while I drove home, feeling rejected and hurt once again.  Ugh, I hate that I keep doing this!

That's when I realized the pattern that we keep falling into.  And I'm hoping that in noticing the pattern, I can break it.  In the end, I just can't let my guard down.

It was about that time that Tim called again.  Ah, Tim.  He has great timing, reminding me what kind of man I'd really like.  If the situation were different, we would be together.  But life is not that kind.

Once again, I felt better after talking to Tim.  He doesn't know he makes me feel better because, of course, he doesn't know anything about Lover.  We only talked for about fifteen minutes, but it still helped.

So that's where things are at.  I love Time, but he's too old and too far away.  I would give Lover a chance at a real relationship, because there are a lot of good things about him, but I don't think that will ever happen because he doesn't have the balls to end his crappy marriage.  In the end, my life is the same that it's always been.  Just me, alone.

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Saturday, June 27, 2015

Torture

Lover left a few days ago to go home.  So it's over.  Or is it?

I've always been very clear with him that once his family was here.  And while he's admitted that he'd like to have his cake and eat it (or me) too, he knows it would just never work.

The plan was for his wife to drive up here and pick him up, since he'd be driving the Uhaul when they came back.  Long story short, she flipped out on him (again) the night before she was supposed to drive here.  She was cursing at him and yelling that she wanted a divorce.  Apparently she wasn't even going to drive up here, but their sons said they wanted her to pick up Lover.  So she did.  I saw them from the other side of the lot the morning that they left, as Lover was loading his stuff into their car.  He didn't see me.  His body movements just looked... tired.  Since I couldn't talk to him after she got there, I have no idea what went on between them, but based on everything leading up to it, I'm guessing it didn't go well.

Our deal has always been that I would never contact him while he's home, unless I hear from him first.  Of course.  Because she's already suspicious of him about every little thing, so we don't need her being suspicious of me too.  And that was the arrangement this time too.  I haven't heard from him.  He left four days ago.  I have no idea what's going on.

I hope they just end it.  Yes, partly for selfish reasons, although Lover and I agreed some time ago and reiterated this the day before he left, that if they ever split, he should take some time to himself.  We wouldn't just immediately jump into a relationship.  Which means that whether she moves with him or not, we have to be over, at least for now.

I've thought for a while now that their marriage was probably past saving, and I feel that way more than ever now.  I kind of think that they both want out, but neither of them is willing to actually be the one to do it.  I also think that if they're going to split, this is a good time to do it.  Lover has to move here because of his job.  If his wife doesn't want to stay with him, then she can either stay there or move back to the town they used to live in - which she's apparently mentioned doing.

I know Lover is concerned about their boys, obviously.  I told him that ending his marriage doesn't mean that he won't be with his boys any more.  I told him that he and the boys could move up here.  That way he could be part of their daily lives, which is what he really wants in all of this, and they won't have to live with a crazy mother any more.  They're both old enough at this point that they could be home alone for a couple hours after school and it'd be okay.

So... I really don't know.  Maybe everything is done and over with, and we go back to being just co-workers.  Maybe we take a break while he gets divorced and then we get to have a shot at being in a real relationship.  

I hope it's the latter.

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Friday, June 19, 2015

Almost Over

My affair with Lover is nearly finished.

He'll be leaving in about four days to go home, pack up his family, and move them up here.  Once he leaves, we're done.

I'm sad, of course.  I'm going to miss him terribly.  I'll still see him at work, but it won't be the same.  Because it can't be.  He's a sweetheart and a generous lover.  Of course I'll miss him.

I think there's a small part of me that will be relieved.  No more sneaking around.  Less up and down depending on whether or not we had any time together or feeling frustrated if his wife has, once again, treated him horribly.

He thinks things will be different once his family is moved up here and settled.  He thinks his wife will be better.  I told him I think she'll be good for a while, but she'll eventually go back to her old ways.  I said that her being local doesn't mean she'll automatically trust him, it just means that she'll have a shorter leash on him.  He didn't really know what to say to that.

It would hurt, but I do hope that they can actually make their marriage work.  I told Lover that I thought they should go to counselling once they're moved up here.  Make it a good marriage, not just something they're surviving because they don't have the courage to do anything different.  What really pains me is the thought of him spending the rest of his life in a half-hearted marriage, being taken for granted, not being trusted, and being treated badly.  The thought of that brings tears to my eyes just typing it.

I think it's a good thing that he'll be gone for a bit when this ends.  I'll have some time without seeing him at all, which will - hopefully - make it easier to treat him as just a regular co-worker when he returns.  We're also having a divisional meeting when he gets back, so it'll be busy and all the guys will be in town, which will be a good distraction.

In the end, though, this is going to suck.

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Sunday, May 10, 2015

Life Is Ridiculous

Things with Lover are in flux.  His family finally went home after being here for five weeks.  I was able to "visit" him a couple times after they left.  It was so good.  I apologize if this is TMI, but that man knows what to do with his head between my legs!!

However, a couple weeks after his family left, Lover himself was sent home.  Andrew's boss realized that, after 9 months, Lover hadn't actually moved up here yet.  And not only that, his house wasn't even on the market yet!  His hotel and food has all been paid by the company this whole time, so the big boss man put and end to that.  Andrew basically told Lover to go home and not come back until there was a For Sale sign in his yard.  So Lover went home for about ten days to get that all taken care of.  Why his wife couldn't manage it to get it done, especially with her claiming all she wanted was to move up here, is beyond me.

What this means, though, is that Lover is no longer staying in a hotel where I can visit him without other people knowing.  In fact, at this point, he's living out of Andrew's camper... at Andrew's house.  So you know I'm not going to visit him there!  He could come see me, but he's driving a company truck... which has a tracking device in it.  Granted, they don't usually check them unless there's a specific reason to, but it's still not worth taking that chance.  So, we're kind of on hold for the moment and, in fact, we may be pretty much over.  We'll get together again if we have a good opportunity, but I'm not confident that it'll happen.

I'd like to say that I regret this whole relationship, helping a man cheat on his wife and all, but I learned something really important (to me) in all of this.  In my marriage to XM, he could never consistently satisfy me and make me orgasm.  It happened, but not regularly.  It was a huge source of frustration for both of us.  He said he'd never had that issue with the two women he'd had serious relationships with before, and even though he said he researched online how to improve things, nothing ever changed.  Not having that much sexual experience before our marriage, I was honestly worried that maybe it was me.  What if I was someone who was just really hard to satisfy?  So what I learned from my time with Lover is that that's NOT the case.  Yay!!  It's honestly a big relief.  I orgasmed every single time we were together, sometimes multiple times.  There was even a time or two that I thought it wasn't going to happen, in one case because he was rushing, but he slowed down, kind of started over a little, and made me orgasm anyway.  So now I'm not worried that I'm somehow broken or will never really be able to be satisfied.  It's just a matter of finding someone who knows what to do with me, and is willing to take the time to get it right.

But, as this post is title, life is ridiculous.  Why?

I haven't talked to Tim much in the last couple years.  Initially it was because I was living with Mom when I moved back to the States, so that was not really an option.  Then about the time I moved into my own place, he had to have surgery and was home for a while, so we couldn't talk then either, although I talked to his wife at one point.  But I wasn't sure how long he was home or when he went back on the road, so I just didn't call.  And since I'd moved, he didn't have my new phone numbers.

Then we got word in the fall that Tim's wife, Ann, had been diagnosed with cancer.  A very rare form of cancer and they were only giving her months to live.  I had planned on calling them over the holidays, but since I got bronchitis a couple days before Christmas, I wasn't talking to much of anyone at that point.  So I never did talk to either of them.  Then Ann died the first week of April.  She wasn't into funerals, so they just had a memorial for her one Sunday after church.  Because they kept it a small affair, neither Mom nor I went.

I waited a few weeks and then called Tom.  I thought I'd wait until after things calmed down a little before getting in touch with him.  We only talked about ten minutes when I called him.  He was back on the road again, working with his son.  It was at the end of a long day for them and it was late which was why we didn't talk long.  But I told him that he had my number now, so he could call any time he felt like talking.

It was a week or so later that he did call again.  He said they've been working long hours, but he was home for a couple days and finally had time to talk.  He told me what all had happened with Ann.  He seems okay about it all and never got emotional while talking about it.  Although, to be fair, I've never heard him get emotional about anything.  I'm sure it helps that they knew it was coming and that he no longer has to watch her suffer.  He said the only time it's really hard for him is when something happens and he thinks, "Oh, I have to tell Ann about that." And then it's that half-second later it hits him that he can't because she's dead.  He did say that's he's been glad to get back on the road and get back to work.  He had basically dropped everything for the last six months while Ann was sick, so I'm not surprised that he's glad to get back to some semblance of normal, even if it'll never be exactly the same again.

He sounds good, and I'm glad for that.  Our conversations never strayed into anything sexual or inappropriate, even if it's not so inappropriate now.  I don't know if either of us want to go down that path again.  I doubt I'll bring it up.  But I am enjoying talking to him again.  It's nice to have someone to chat with about your day or whatever.  He's still my good friend.

All of that being said, I find it amusing that, as things seem to be ending with Lover, Tim kind of comes back into my life.  Even if it's just as my friend, it still makes me think that life is ridiculous.

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Thursday, April 02, 2015

Back to where we started

It's been months since I've blogged, and I'm sorry for that.

I keep intending to blog, but - obviously - haven't gotten to it.  The main reason is that I don't know what to write.  A lot has happened with Lover in the last few months, although the funny thing is, we seem to have ended up back where we started.

Lover's marriage has nearly ended a couple times since I last wrote, then they started trying to make it work.  His wife and kids have now been in town for the last month, which means he and I haven't spent any time together outside of work.  He says things are going pretty well between them (which you wouldn't guess by the way he makes out with me every day at work), but I still question their marriage.  She doesn't trust him and never has.  As a result, he lies to her so that there aren't confrontations about the stupid crap that she gets mad about.

Anyway, the fact that their marriage came so close to ending made me start thinking more about maybe he and I actually having a relationship.  That's not to say that I hadn't thought about it before, but this made it more of a real possibility.  Then when things start going better between them, it was a real blow.  It's funny; I've tried to end things with Lover over and over and over again.  I'll be so determined and I feel completely strong in ending it... then I'm around him and I can never stick with it.  It's ridiculous.  But as a result, there's been a lot of ups and downs.  It was getting to the point where I was actually anxious going to work every day because I didn't know how it would be between us, how things were going in his marriage, how well I could handle it all.

So I finally said to him a few weeks ago that I just wanted to go back to how it was before, when it was just a friends with benefits thing.  Lover, of course, was fine with that.  Not that we've been able to do much, with his family in town and all.  So here we are, back to where we started, carrying on until his family moves up here for good.

The thing that upsets me now is that I have serious doubts that we'll be able to maintain our friendship once his family is here.  He says we definitely will, but as jealous and possessive and distrusting as his wife is, I just don't see how we can.  I mean, I guess we can be friends at work only, but that's not a true friendship.  At least not to me.  And as much as I like Lover, even just as my friend, that really makes me sad.

In other news, Brother and his GF are now married!!  I now officially have a sister-in-law!!  So, in terms of this blog, BGF is now SIL.  Ha!  I'm really happy for them, and I'm happy that I like her and we get along quite well.  It was a very small, simple ceremony on a weekday afternoon with just a little family.  They plan on having a reception in the fall, which is when they'll invite everyone else to celebrate.

Now, here's hoping it's not another three months before I blog again!

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Friday, December 26, 2014

Just an update

I'm finally getting around to blogging again.  You know, I just don't get on my laptop as much these days, and I'm sure not going to blog at work.  So I apologize for all the long spaces between posts.

Not much has been happening with Lover lately.  I started on birth control back in October, and it's one of those where you're supposed to only have your period every three months.  I mean, I've always hated having my period, so I figured that if there was a way to have it less, why not?  Of course, they say that it's common to have "spotting," especially when you first start taking it.  But I never do anything normal, so why should this "spotting" be any different?  I was basically bleeding for a month, and it's just now ending.  It started out light, but got heavier to where it was at least as heavy as a regular period, maybe even heavier.  Like I was having the last two months of menstruating in one.  I had cramps worse than I'd ever had before.  I did eventually contact my doctor, but it was about the time it finally started to slow down, so we decided to just let it run its course.  However, if it keeps happening in the future, I'll be switching to a different pill.

Because of all the lovely bleeding, Lover and I didn't really spend any time in the three weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  My bleeding started the day after Thanksgiving, so we decided to just wait until it stopped, thinking it wouldn't last that long.  Ha.  Two nights before he left to go home for Christmas, it had finally slowed enough that we did get to spend some time together and have a little fun.  We both really wanted that before he left again for two weeks.  It was a really good release.

Other than that, things about the same between us.  His marriage is crap, but I still don't think he's going to leave his wife.  If she chooses to leave, he wouldn't fight her on it, but I don't think she'd leave either.  Sometimes I think she sees him as a bit of a meal ticket.  She doesn't work outside the home, and I'm sure she'd have to if they split up.  One of the reasons why, if given the chance, I'm not sure Lover and I would work as a real relationship is that he is HORRIBLE about making decisions.  He won't make a decision about anything unless he absolutely has to.

Now, as we all know, I like a man who can and will take charge.  I've even told Lover that I like that, and that I have that expectation.  I figure he should know that up front.  And while a part of me thinks he's capable of stepping up and taking charge, I think most of me knows that it's unlikely.  Andrew actually has that struggle with him at work too, needing Lover to step up and take the lead, and it just doesn't happen, even though he's told he can and should.

So, I still think this will all end up like I thought it would from the beginning: he'll stay with his wife, he and I will carry on until his family moves here, and then it'll be crap when we have to stop.  There's always the possibility that we'll stop sooner.  I told him recently that I didn't know how much longer I could do this; it's too hard that he belongs to someone else.  I don't know.  He does seem to be a bit of a weakness for me.

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Wednesday, November 26, 2014

I'm weak

Well, the affair being over didn't last long.  A few days.  Basically, as soon as he got back to town, it was on again.  I seriously don't know what my deal is, but I don't seem to be able to stay away from him.

He's home again now, though, for the Thanksgiving holiday.  I miss him.  I'm really curious as to how things will go for him at home.  Why?  Because apparently his wife is angry that they haven't already moved and didn't speak to him the entire time he was here after the last time he went home - three weeks!  I don't get that.  I think his wife sounds crazy and immature.  This is a marriage, there will be problems.  You discuss them, you deal with them, you don't just give someone the silent treatment.  Anyway, I don't hear from Lover at all while he's home, for obvious reasons, so I won't know until he gets back how things went.

I still struggle every day with what I'm doing, this relationship that I'm in, whatever it is.  With him being gone, with no communication from him, it makes it that much harder.  How much longer can I do this?  And if his marriage stays intact long enough for his family to move here, then it's going to have to end anyway.  It's like I know I'm setting myself up for heartache, but I can't break away.

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Friday, October 31, 2014

It's over... for now

So my torrid affair with a married man is over.  At least, for now.  It was just too hard to even have time to be together.  Between his wife calling all the time, other coworkers being around, and him just plain falling asleep on nights when I was going to go see him, it wasn't working.  And I felt like it was kind of starting to affect me.

I actually had to call it off twice before it stuck.  And I'm still not completely sure it stuck this time, but I do feel more certain about it.  I called it off the first time this past Wednesday.  I told him I was done.  I said that the situation didn't allow us to pursue a real relationship - even though we'd both be interested in doing so were he not married - and if the sex isn't happening... then what's the point?  But then I'm around him during the day (because we work together), and I just cave.  I'm so drawn to him!

So I was going to give it one more shot that night.  One more chance to see if we could get together, especially since we was going to be leaving the next morning to go home for the weekend, since his family still lives elsewhere at this point.  And, as has so often happened lately, it didn't work out.  I couldn't go see him.  So I told him on the phone Wednesday night that I was done.  I just couldn't keep doing this up and down.  Getting excited because I think we're going to get time together, ending up disappointed because we don't, also ending up tired all the time (for nothing) because I stay up later than I would normally because I think I'm going to go see him, but then I can't.  He asked if we could still be friends and I said of course we could.  And I meant it.  He also asked if things ended between he and his wife, would I still be interested.  I said that I would be.  I told him that I wasn't ending things between us because I didn't still like him or care about him.  I was doing it just because I could keep going on in the situation as it was.

I cried, both on the phone with him and afterwards.  As much as this was meant to just be for fun, just sex, it turned into more.  I knew early on that it was going to happen, as did he, and we went ahead with it anyway.  There are a lot of things about him that I really like, that draw me to him, and him to me.

It's a bit of a relief, not having so much up and down.  Although at this point, it's mainly just down.  As I explained to him on the phone, he still has a wife to be with.  I'm going back to my life as usual before him, which means I'm going back to nothing.  Honestly, readers, that's a really hard pill to swallow.

I know he's debating about what to do going forward, in terms of his marriage.  His wife doesn't treat him well most of the time, and apparently threatens to divorce him on a regular basis.  He's always talked her out of it in the past, but he says he's done doing that.  The next time she says she's leaving, he's going to say "OK."  I have no idea if she'll actually go through with it or if she'll back down once he calls her on it.  However, I told him in our conversation on Wednesday night that I hope that these few days at home can help him make some sort of decision, come to some sort of conclusion.  I want him to be able to make a decision - whatever it is - and be happy with it, be content with it.  Since we work together, and we'll continue to be around each other, I don't want him to go on indefinitely feeling torn about what to do.

The truth is that I expect he'll stay with his wife.  There are multiple reasons for that, but a big one - if not THE biggest one - are the kids.  He really wants to be there for them, which he would finally be able to do with him not traveling all the time and them moving here.  I can't and wouldn't even try to change his mind on that.

So that's that.  He drives back here on Sunday.  I don't know if I'll hear from him or if it'll just be back to work as usual on Monday.  I'm not even sure which one I'm hoping for.

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